"Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"

  • Frank: We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"
  • Mac (annoyed): There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
  • Frank: You gotta write a song like:
  • I wouldn't do it with anyone younger than my daughter, no little kids, gotta be big, older than my wife, older than my wife, something like that... (Charlie looks at Mac, as if to say, "Should I? 'Cause I have an idea...")
  • Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.


  • Frank (sarcastic): Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (He goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? (As he goes over to another table, Dennis and Sweet Dee are mortified, while Barbara is just annoyed.) Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!
  • Barbara (annoyed): Jesus, Frank... Frank (really losing it now): JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK!!! JESUS!!!
  • Frank: My life is a lie! My life IS A LIE!!!! (His gaze turns back to their table and he lunges for a fork. Completely unhinged) Somebody's gotta get stabbed! SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GET-- (Frank freezes in mid-sentence, almost as if he's been hit by something, gurgles feebly, and falls straight to the floor, taking the tablecloth and everything on it with him.)